How Diabetes Returned Me To Wholeness…

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Journey to wholenessBeing diagnosed with a life-long or life-threatening illness has a profound affect on a person. Some battle their whole lives to try and understand, some stay in victim mode, and others rise above it and come out the other side with lessons learned, stronger and wiser than before. Jess Ball is one of these inspiring people, who turned a diagnosis of type 1 diabetes from the age of 12 into a journey to wholeness.

This is Jess’s story…

I learned to love others because I wanted to belong.

At the age of 12 I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes.

I was told I will be injecting myself 4 times a day with insulin, which was a huge shock.

As my body shut down, I shut down from my body. It caused a complete disconnection and fractured my relationship with myself.

I didn’t trust my body to support me, so we split up.

And I felt alone.

Needing to be loved

So, from that experience, when it came to my sense of belonging, I decided to love instead, as it meant that I was worth something through others’ eyes, and I had a purpose.

I didn’t know where this sense came from, and I didn’t care to entertain the exploration at that time. So I went with it, and unconsciously created an external filling of my need for significance (which ultimately leads to disappointment, as no one else can fill the illusionary hole inside except ourselves).

At parties, as I wouldn’t drink that much, I would be the designated driver, or at least the keeper of memories and secrets from ‘the night before’.

At celebrations, I would have a bit of party food and cake (luckily I don’t have a sweet tooth).

Under the surface my heart was breaking, as I wasn’t being asked or considered in the choices that were being made for the majority of people there, who didn’t have dietary requirements like I did.

Feeling shame and disconnected

I found someone else who also had type 1, but she didn’t talk about it, so I learned to have shame and didn’t want to go into it very much either. I could tell you the mechanics and logistics of management, but I certainly couldn’t tell you how it felt, as I had no idea and didn’t realise I was disconnected.

The need for connection externally to myself was the biggest craving I had, I wanted nourishing and my body wasn’t coming to the party. So I searched…

I had buried the major key in the sacred trine, the alchemy of spirit, of body, mind and soul.

I went searching on a path for truth and knowledge at 17, and dived into finding meaning, reason and a solution. I didn’t know at that time the question I was hunting the answer to, but I knew it was a big one.

The search for meaning

I was meditating, doing yoga, looking at astrology, energy healing, acupuncture and working with crystals, amongst other very healing, deeper learning for me.

Meditation and crystals

Although I was experimenting with the different ways various techniques, philosophies and practices worked with my diabetes, I wasn’t doing it to be a victim.

I never considered myself a sick person. I was simply trying to fill the hole as I felt like having diabetes was a curse (I had been told it was a ‘life sentence’), and it made me different, when all I wanted to do was belong.

This, I realised when the house of cards came tumbling down, meant I never took responsibility and honoured my mind, body, spirit connection, as I was denying it was a dis-ease in my functioning.

I desperately wanted to belong, and the diabetes made me feel separate in every way I looked at it.

Living in survival mode

Living, quite literally, in survival, in a constant state of fight/flight and on the ready for any small wrong move that could see me die, has been exhausting for 20 years.

It has stayed in my nervous system and has fed into every aspect of my existence until those cards fell down and I screamed STOP.

The reconnection came when that threat finally became real earlier this year.

I ended up in hospital for the first time since being diagnosed, and had to be resuscitated.

About 10 minutess away is close enough to death for most I can imagine, and instead of controlling it and denying the reality, I had to go with the flow.

That was the ultimate surrender. The ultimate pause and refresh button that was triggered.

Near death experience

I remember, as I was going in and out of consciousness at home, I spoke to my body and told her I was listening, and if there was something I needed to pay attention to, I would call an ambulance.

She understood, and I got that message back loud and clear…

It was a graceful conversation, and there was no fear of death.

The ultimate connection back to my wholeness happened as I had finally realised the complete disconnection and lack of respect for myself. We are in this together.

In that moment I experienced the most intense and indescribable feeling of oneness and incredible love.

Peace and love

Asking for help

And from there, the help came (which had also been hard for me to ask for, particularly in relation to the diabetes) as I am a giver and didn’t receive very well.

That changed when I realised I could trust myself and my body, and I felt the love from within.

At times my mind and I have had our strong discussions too, and I have certainly learned in this chapter of my journey, that if I look after my body, my mind will follow and I will uncover the peace. ALWAYS.

Our minds, bodies and souls are all one, and are all connected at such a deep, foundational level, which I never quite felt.

I understood it in my head, but when I came fully back into my heart, the feeling was something I’ve never felt before.

After coming out of hospital, and getting back into work, after a few weeks of not feeling great and absolutely exhausted from the major trauma I’d experienced, my body went into adrenal fatigue (similar to chronic fatigue) and I couldn’t do much at all.

I kept trying to show up for work, for friends, for family, as I didn’t want to let people down by not being able to give.

Listen to your body

Instead, and this is where the clincher happened and the penny dropped – I needed to honour myself and my body, and connect in to hear what she was saying to me. Not just dropping by to visit occasionally, but to always recognise and honour the connection, and know we are safe together.

She was telling me to stop, pull back, be still… So I really listened this time…

I had been working for years on my mind, body, soul connection, and I realised that the biggest key I had been missing, was the feeling, connection to the physical body and this realm.

In the search for the ultimate sense of freedom from my diabetes, I investigated different professional treatments – acupuncture, chiropractic, osteopathy, reiki, theta healing etc, and I felt the connection periodically, but I could never maintain it.

Mainly because I didn’t realise that it was what I was craving all this time, and I totally mistook the feelings for other emotions.

Falling in love

I am now having a love affair with myself, with my body, mind and soul, and all the beautiful parts to it.

Love yourself

And in denying that, or rather not knowing until I was ready to understand it in the divine timing the teaching was shown to me, I felt so disconnected from my world.

Yes it had impacts on my relationships, both intimate, and also friends and family, but that’s what I was attracting subconsciously, as I did not accept living with diabetes, and saw it as a failure instead of a blessing.

My inner guidance has now been heard – by me – I have my voice back, and it is beautiful and wise.

At times I slip back into the habit, but I know it is just that, and I certainly am on a strong and powerful quest to help others find and listen to their inner wisdom again after disconnection.

I learned to love myself after being in hospital, peaceful because for the first time in my life, I had listened to my body and we decided we were on the same team.

I am whole, and living with diabetes has absolutely nothing to do with any outcome, but instead is my reconnection point…

The missing key

My search for me, and the circle completion of finding the doorway in and unlocking it happened when I reconnected through the diabetes. I walked over the threshold into the most wonderful place of love and wholeness.

The doorway to love and wholeness

It has been a big journey so far, and I am excited to see what other magical pathways lie in this new world.

I unlocked my heart and listened to my inner wisdom from the cracks of imperfection, where the true beauty lies, and it was my ticket to freedom.

I have had amazing guides along the way who have been helping me get closer to seeing the lock and big walls, and have all done their thing to help me knock them down for myself and show me where the door was as I was so blind I had no idea.

From the major trauma my body has endured, I am now honouring the process, the resilience, trust and protection I undoubtedly know I have.

And I am moving out of survival, which has been held in my nervous system ‘just in case’ something happens.

The clearing process

Clearing the body memory of trauma in the nervous system, subtle energy system and other systems operating in there, is a big process, and one which is ultimately the most rewarding when everything is flowing again.

I am learning what my body is saying, and the messages are loud and crystal clear.

Above all, through living with diabetes, I have learned to love myself and others.

And what a massive blessing that is.

That, I believe, is the alchemy of spirit.

.

Jess Ball Jess Ball is a life balance coach. She helps people unlock their inner wisdom and facilitates the reconnection of her clients’ mind, body and soul.
You can contact her by email: jess@creativesoulmanagement.com.au

 

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